[Editor’s note: This is a joke. The real meeting is much more worrying and has a selection of attendees that is mostly terrible for the games industry, so let’s laugh while we can.]
Mr Trump: Thank you, everyone, for being here – I’m thrilled. I very much look forward to showing my high scores, because they are huge. America is in crisis. Our children are being shot. And the real problem here, folks, is videogames. They glorify violence, create monsters, and everybody knows it!
Brent Bozell: Mr President, our children need protecting from these violent videogames. Unlike the democrats we have to look at the real causes of gun violence, these disgusting virtual worlds.
Mr Trump: You see Bloodborne in the news? It’s disgusting, beasts and blood coming out of the wherever – I’m a noted germaphobe, by the way. We have to go see Bill Gates and a lot of different people that really understand what’s happening.
Strauss Zelnick: Mr President, Bill Gates isn’t really a part of this industry and-
Mr Trump: Excuse me, we have to talk to them, maybe in certain areas, about closing these games up in some way. Somebody will say “Oh, games don’t kill people, games don’t kill people.” These are foolish people, and we have a lot of ‘em.
Mr Reggie Fils-Aime: Mr President I’m here representing Nintendo…
Mr Trump: Now, excuse me, on Nintendo – Japan isn’t sending their best. They’re sending plumbers, squids, animals…. this Link guy slept for a hundred years! They are not our friend, believe me. They’re bringing mushrooms. They’re bringing talking hats. They break bricks with their heads! And some, I assume, are good people.
The thing is folks… see, if you take one like Donkey Kong – and by the way, he’s not even a donkey, did you know that? Not many people know that. I had a friend in the casino business called Kong and he – he was a great guy, great guy. But he knew construction. He’d have taken one look, dead now, great guy, but he’d have taken one look at those girders and said ‘No way.’ No. Way.
Little Mario climbs all the way up there to get Pauline, who at that resolution – it’s very hard for her to be a 10, you know? I’m sorry but that’s the way it is. But Little Mario, he likes her, so up he goes and this ape – who had no hand in building anything, who just appears from the bottom of the screen – he’s got her and, great guy, the thing is that under this administration, that wouldn’t happen. Little Mario is all talk and no action… have you seen the jumps? He jumps like I have never seen a human being jump, it looks like he barely gets over those barrels.
Reggie Fils-Aime: To get back to the matter at hand Mr President, we feel strongly that Nintendo’s products are suitable for all ages and have no relationship to gun control.
Trump: “That’s because Nintendo is not taking the job seriously as it pertains to this country. We want videogames from this country. If you look at some of those people that you’re talking about, like Miyamoto, they’re outside of the country. Oh ho, he’s a beaut. Take a look where — excuse me, excuse me. Take a look at where their product is made. It’s made in Coyote, which is outside of our country. I want software jobs to be back into the United States so that American gamers can benefit. And, by the way, I hear that Nintendo is making a switch so, you know, I’m very confident that they’ll see sense. And it’s good they’re finished with the motion, the motion controls.”
Reggie Fils-Aime: Mr President the Switch has motion controls…
Mr Trump: “I hate it. I am a traditionalist, I want the controller. I have so many fabulous friends who happen to like motion controls, but I am a traditionalist.”
Reporter: Mr President is it true that you couldn’t finish Cuphead?
Trump: “Not true. Not true. I finished the game and my time was excellent. It’s not true. I wanted to make sure — unlike most politicians – that the way I finished it was correct. Not make a sloppy runthrough. The first run I made, the first time through, was a fine run. But you don’t make runs like that unless you know what you’re doing, and that’s a very important process to me. And I make no apologies for it.”
Bearded developer: Mr President don’t you think there’s a danger that, in focusing on only mainstream titles, you’re not giving indie developers enough credit for their role in gun violence?
Mr Trump: I just tried What Remains of Edith Finch. You know that one? Written by a moron, really boring. The writer has the mind of a very dumb and backward child. Sorry Edith! I never talk to indies about whether their games are fun, and believe me, there’s plenty of subject matter right there.
Phil Spencer: Mr President our concern at Microsoft is that you’re conflating our area, which is entertainment, with a different area, which is guns and social policy.
Trump: “If you go back to — let’s take Call of Duty, that’s a beaut. Now, here’s the thing. Do you know what it is to prestige? Excuse me, excuse me. Take it nice and easy. Here’s the thing. My son Barron, he’s incredible at this game, just unbelievable, he tells me about how many times he’s got the prestige. And I can see myself doing it. If I’d been there, I would’ve run into the room – any room – and shot those other players. This happened, actually, many times.
So, to me, Call of Duty is excellent. In fact the soldier in it – Soap, he’s a fantastic guy, I hear he did many good things for our friends in Britain – after he died his mother wrote me and said, through Twitter, social media, just the nicest things. He was actually an incredible young person. And honestly, if the press was not fake and if it was honest, the press would have said that what I know about Call of Duty is a lot. It’s a lot. But, unlike you and unlike the media, I know about prestige.”
Phil Spencer: Mr President my concern isn’t with Call of Duty, I think it’s a fine entertainment product, it’s more about confusing this kind of entertainment with the real guns that are on American streets.
Mr Trump: “No matter what you do – guns, no guns – it doesn’t matter. You have people that are mentally ill. And they’re gonna play Call of Duty. And they’re going to do things that people will not even believe are possible.”
Phil Spencer: Mr Pr-
Mr Trump: “Excuse me, excuse me. You know Contra? If you look at those guys, they killed terrorists. I’m not saying they were great guys, but they killed terrorists.
Now with Call of Duty, you have all these licensed guns. And they won’t take ‘em out! You know why? They’re scared of the NRA. If Activision would look at this, and work with us, I guarantee you’d see the numbers go way down. But they’re scared of the NRA.”
ESA man: Mr President, don’t you think it’s odd that every other developed country has videogames but they don’t share this level of gun violence?
Mr Trump: I’ll tell you what’s odd. Our country is in serious trouble. I’ve seen the K/D ratios. We don’t have victories any more. We used to have victories but [now] we don’t have them. When was the last time anybody saw us beating, let’s say, China, at League of Legends? They kill us. I soloqueue and beat China all the time. All the time. Soon they’ll be calling me Mr Carry.”
We need to get back to winning. Me, I can play any game and I’m winning. Take Counter-Strike. I get along with Putin! He asks me what bomb site our guys are going to and I tell him, and he says thanks you – mudak, he says. Thank you. Did he ever say that to Obama? Russia doesn’t have videogames, and what do you see in Russia? No school shootings. None.
NRA plant: Mr President, thank you so much for the job you’re doing, and I’d just like to ask – one of the things that many Christian parents in this country are concerned about is Pokemon. Do you have plans for Pokemon?
Mr Trump: The concept of Pokemon was created by and for the Japanese in order to make US videogames non-competitive. I know all about the Pokemon. We’ll be catching ’em all in a very humane way, in a very nice way. And they’re going to be happy, because they want out of those balls. Then we’ll legalise ‘em. And, by the way, I know it doesn’t sound nice. But not everything is nice.
Thank you folks. Thank you. We’re gonna put a stop to this. I know. No continues. Game. Over.